Out Of The Shadows V

Growing up gay in McMinnville
Published: October 15, 2007

By DEE MOORE
Of the News-Register 



Acclaimed Hollywood producer J. Graigory failed at many things in life before finally climbing on the track to success. 


The list includes failing to end that life very prematurely, back as a 12-year-old in McMinnville, over an emerging sexual orientation that at the time tortured and tormented him. 


To get where he is today - a television writer and producer whose credits include working as the production coordinator for the "Jimmy Kimmel Live," and whose past projects include "Drew
Carey Show," "Queer as Folk," "U.S. of ANT" and "Designing Women" - he traveled a painful road through defeat, despair and alcohol abuse. 


Along the way, he learned a painful lesson: "It's up to you. You can do anything if you learn to love yourself." 


In the end, he said, "I survived because I refused to become a statistic."

The youngest of three children, Graigory grew up in McMinnville. At the time, his mother, Donna, now representing House District 24 in the Oregon Legislature, was working at Evergreen International Aviation. 


His parents had divorced when he was young, leaving her stranded far from her native Texas with a clutch of children. Growing up, he said, his world revolved around three things - church, chores and television, the latter providing him with an escape into a far-friendlier fantasy world. 


Graigory said his mother instilled in him a strict work ethic. That never flagged, even through all the low times he experienced. 


"She and my dad divorced before I was 2," he said. "Working was a way to keep us out of trouble, and busy." 


Often, the children would find themselves doing volunteer work alongside their mother. "My mom taught, you pay back what you were given," he said, and she has a long track record in community service to prove it. 


Graigory said he was rebellious and bullheaded as a youth. Once, he said, he fled home with a horse.

When he was discovered he tried to hide behind the animal. 

Church was a second home for the family. Initially, that church was First Baptist. Later, it was Bethel Baptist. 


He said his core values stem from his religious upbringing, even today. 

Graigory said he had great plans for himself as a child. "I was going to go far," he said, chuckling over his youthful hubris. 


"I always wanted more, more, more. What I did was get into a lot of trouble." 


Graigory found a wide range of outlets for his energy and enthusiasm in grade school, including art, music and athletics. 


He recalled learning his teacher at Memorial Elementary had never been on a plane, and enlisting his mother's help to get her a trip to Hawaii. 


"Then, in junior high, everything changed," Graigory said. It changed because he found himself locked in a fierce struggle over his sexuality. 


"I went to a darker place, with a lot less hope and a lot less opportunity, because of who I was," he said. "I didn't know what that was, but I knew it was going to be hard." 


He wanted to be like his older brother - athletic, popular and well-liked. 


But in his heart, he knew he was gay. And his religious upbringing told him the two were mutually exclusive - and fearsomely so. 


Graigory said he knows now that he shouldn't have tried to be anything he was not. He should have been true to himself from the outset. 


"But when you're between 11 and 14, you don't have the inner fortitude," he said. "The level of fear I had back then would choke a horse." 


He knew he was losing the battle over his sexuality, but continued it anyway. 


He spent years trying to be straight, to become straight. "I tried to change," he said. 


He would shed many private tears over it, believing God couldn't love him because he was gay.

He had been taught homosexuality was one of the worst sins you could commit, so abhorrent you would surely go to hell over it. 


"I had no control over those feelings," he said. "There was nothing I could do." 

Graigory took refuge in the fantasy world of television. 


Even as a grade schooler, he had been mesmerized by television. He spent hour upon hour letting it transport him into a dream world where things were very different. 


Television came to play the dominant role in his life. Situation comedies held a particular fascination. 

"Those sitcoms saved my life," he said. "I could escape into being somebody I wasn't." 


Early on, Graigory knew what he wanted to do when he grew up. He wanted to be in television. 
Like most mothers, his tried her best to pry him from the set and interest him in other pursuits. 


"I think she thought it would rot my brain. I think she would rather we read a good book or go outside and play in the fresh air. She was a typical Mom in that regard," Graigory said. 


She had no inkling the role it was playing in his life, giving him welcome relief from the turmoil boiling within him over his sexuality. He kept that utterly to himself. 
Graigory's suicide attempt came when he was just 12. 


"I felt I was doomed the rest of my life," he said. "God wasn't helping me change." 

So he decided to end it all. 


On Easter Sunday he got up and got ready to go to church with the family. 


"I wore my new Easter suit that my Mom bought for me ... I remember I was quite somber that day, especially for a 12-year-old. 


"It was Easter service so you know what the topic was: The crucifixion and the resurrection.
Inside I felt totally crucified so I resolved to kill myself that night and be taken away, like Jesus," Graigory said. 


For the rest of the day he kept mostly to himself. 


"That night, when everyone had gone to bed, I snuck to the medicine cabinet in the laundry room and took the bottle of Sudafed. There were 32 pills, I counted as I swallowed them. They were bitter, so I took them in small handfuls of five, except the first and last one, to make it go faster." 


"Then I prayed to God to take me as quickly as possible and tried to drift to an eternal sleep," he said. 

"Only Sudafed is a non-drowsy pain killer so instead of sleeping I became wired and paranoid. I feared a lot of time had passed and my family would wake up and discover me not dead." 


"That's when I took out the X-acto knife from my Boy Scout wood carving kit and slit my wrist. The first time didn't work, so I did it again. 


"There was a lot of blood, but I still wasn't dead, so I thrust it into my throat with a failing attempt to find my own jugular vein. I just jammed it over and over into my throat, crying and begging God saying "please help me, take me." 


"I don't want to be here," he told the Lord. "I can't be here. I finally gave up. I thought everyone was going to wake up soon anyway so I better turn myself in. I wrapped my bloody neck and arm in a long ace bandage and went to my Mom's bedroom. I woke her up. 


"I told her the truth, just exactly as I felt at that time. I said, "I'm a loser." 


His mother did not waste any time taking him to the emergency room at McMinnville Community Hospital. 


"I lied to the nurse and the attending doctor about having taken the pills. I think they were going to pump my stomach no matter how I answered," he said, "just to be safe because they'd certainly seen it all before." 


While in the ER Graigory was told the state of Oregon required him to go to a "shrink." 
They forced him to go to a psychiatrist but nothing could force Graigory to admit to anyone he was gay. 


Though he refused to reveal the secret he harbored he did share many other painfully personal teenage details. He was mortified to learn the doctor had played the tapes for his mother, baring his innermost soul against his will. 


"It was a horrible experience," he said. "What he did to me was horrible." 


From then on, Graigory admitted, "I lied constantly." And there was nothing he lied about more often and more emphatically than his sexuality. 


He did whatever it took to convince others he was straight, going to the lengths of wooing a girlfriend and stealing copies of Playboy magazine. He even tormented another boy at McMinnville High with the slurs "gay" and "faggot" - something he regrets to the bottom of his soul. 


"It's one of the darkest things I have ever done," he said. "It's one of the reasons I do what I do to help people." 


Today, Graigory has his life, his family, his sobriety and his faith all back. But it was a long struggle. 


After his suicide attempt, he turned from the TV set to the bottle to escape his torment. It wasn't until five years ago that he finally kicked alcohol. 


Along the way, he found God again. He went from believing God could never love a wretch like him to becoming faithful once more. 


He also came out as a gay man, both privately and publicly. He took a very public stand against Oregon's Ballot Measure 36, which banned gay marriage, going so far as to address the Oregon Legislature, where his mother continues to represent House District 24. 


Graigory has never fully brought his mom around. He's won her acceptance, but has not managed to rally her to the gay rights cause. 


"I stopped trying to force my family to march in gay pride parades," he jokes. 


"I had a blessed childhood with opportunities and laughter abounding. The unhappiness in my childhood was internally created. I was unhappy because I didn't want to be me." 


This he believes was a by-product of the times, politics, culture and the church's stance. 
In Hollywood, he has become a leader in lifesaving battles against AIDS and breast cancer, and has been honored for his efforts. 


But his greatest passion lies in saving the lives of teens facing rejection over their sexual orientation.
To that end, he has come to travel the country speaking out, using his own tormented struggles as a case study. 


"I don't think anything is more loving than to be honest," he said. 


Today he is sure God was with him on that fateful night. 


"I do believe God was there when I was twelve, in that dark bedroom when I was dying from my own hand and praying to God to please take me. 


"He was saying, 'Hang on little man. It's hard right now, but you're worth it. So I am not taking you, yet. Find yourself, and then hang on to you. And then you will be free'." 


"For me, God answered the prayer I wasn't praying. And for that I will be forever grateful."
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